The Love You Want

Thoughts turn toward love relationships as St Valentine’s Day is celebrated by couples.  For some it is just another day, or worse, a painful reminder of being single—of not finding that special someone, our perfect match.  While some people may prefer to remain single throughout their lives, most people work to bond with and live in partnership with a person they define as the right partner.

Rather than searching for the right partner, it might be helpful to think of being the right partner.  To triumph at becoming the right partner we need to explore and resolve the old issues (some may be from childhood) that can continue to influence our behavior and feelings.  We should examine why we keep making the same mistakes again and again in our relationships.  Once we have completed this task, we are then free to enter into a healthy, mature relationship.  

A mature relationship is based on mutual respect, awareness and commitment.  It is healing and it leads to authentic wholeness for each partner.  We recognize what our partner needs, and we provide these kindly, lovingly and without conditions.  Even in healthy relationships, there are times when our partner’s behavior may cause us anxiety, pain or hurt, we can show our maturity by understanding and containing our own reactions in order to help the other person to feel unconditionally loved as they work through an issue.

"Fulfillment is natural and not to be ashamed of. Ecstasy is a state of the soul transmitted through the body. Union consists of two people opening to the same Being."  

                                                  -- Deepak Chopra

Characteristics of a Mature Relationship

·      Each partner is seen as a whole, complete person.  The two partners have equality in the relationship with open communication between them, and they refrain from controlling behavior.

·      Both partners agree to avoid blaming or criticizing each other, and use constructive dialogue instead.

·      Each partner admits his or her faults and talks about them freely with the other.

·      Both partners understand that when they feel uncomfortable in the relationship, they need to communicate in a constructive manner, and not engage in behavior that is harmful to the relationship, such as withdrawing or looking outside the relationship to get their needs for intimacy met.

·      Partners recognize that anger must be contained and expressed constructively.  Anger is an expression of pain, and each partner agrees to accept the other’s anger and other emotions, while refraining from dumping their anger on each other.